Sex Ed with Seifer
by squalmasy
Summary: [Oneshot] One of squalmasy’s rabid oneeyed plot bunnies brought alive from the grave. Self explanatory. R&R plz..


Sex Ed with Seifer

-One of squalmasy's rabid one-eyed plot bunnies brought alive from the grave.

Warning: This is from the sick and completely perverse mind of squalmasy, so don't blame me if I you get uncomfortable from extremely...odd themes. **You've been warned.**

Since school is starting soon, I'll have very few chances to write fiction. So, now, one day away from the start of school, this hapless teen is taking this opportunity to murder some plot bunnies that have started piling up around the desk, hiding amongst empty diet coke cans and piles of gameboy games and CDs.

Arr-hem. This won't be very long or have much of a point. Like I said: it's just me exploiting my zombie plot bunnies to their full extent (which wouldn't be very much.) Just having a little fun. n.n;

(Dancing in Drag should be updated every weekend from now on, because I am not allowed to utilize the internet on weekdays during school year. I do, however, own a word processor, which I am permitted to utilize during that time. xD)

**Sex Ed with Seifer**

**One-shot by squalmasy**

The familiar monotone chime of Balamb Garden's bell sounded over the intercom, signaling for the rowdy young aspiring SeeDs to calm down in their classrooms all around the uniquely structured building.

In the very farthest corner of the basement hall, in the very last room, was held the very most interesting new class that the student populace could have possibly coerced the administration into offering: Sex Education.

With a somewhat irritated look, the instructor at the front of the unusually silent classroom of first-year students arranged some papers on the desk in front of him and cleared his throat. He got up from his chair and walking around to stand in front of the class and maintaining clear, direct eye contact with them.

One young girl with black hair and wide, hazel eyes raised her hand before the instructor could speak. Turning his gaze primly over to the young woman, he nodded for her to speak.

"Instructor Leonhart?" She inquired with a doubtful expression.

"Temporarily," he answered her half-unasked question with a punctuality that was almost unique to him. Then he frowned in irritation again. "Your real instructor has failed to show his face yet."

She nodded, hazel eyes widening even more. Squall's mouth formed a humorless smile. First-year students in Sex Education...this would prove interesting. He narrowed his eyes a bit. Seifer finding this unorthodox new occupation after his "romantic dream" had failed him during the war only made young commander Leonhart extremely anxious. Somehow, he didn't see any good coming of Seifer teaching these students...if he was ever going to show up, that is.

"Now," he started calmly, "the first topic of discussion-"

"Hey! No, no, no, no, no. Come on, move it! This is my job!"

Tumbling through the doorway came a cumbersome, lofty blonde bozo. His hair was a slightly messed, his tie was crooked, and he toted a large box that he dropped by the desk with a thud. Squall raised an eyebrow.

"Please _try_ to be on time next time, Mister Almasy." Squall said with dangerous intonation. "I had to start your class for you. I hope you take the time to consider your new responsibilities as-"

"Gee, thanks, granny," Seifer interrupted with a sarcastic sneer. "I guess every party has to have an old pisscat. Want some prune juice?"

Squall narrowed his eyes warningly and stepped back without replying, leaning against the back wall to observe the conduction of the class. Seifer smirked and took a good look around the room at his students. Many of the girls were wide-eyed, looking innocent enough. A lot of guys looked like they were on steroids in Seifer's opinion, and most of them seemed as if they weren't really in need of any sex education. They looked experienced enough.

"Alrighty. You all look like a lively bunch," he said with a little smirk. "I don't need your names, 'cause I'll never remember them and I don't really care what they are."

Some of the students looked doubtful, but most of them were amused. Squall, however, frowned darkly.

Seifer stretched out and took his time, as if he were in casual company, and then sat down on top of his desk with a grin.

"I think we'll start with open forum...after all, I'm not gonna yap about stuff you'll probably never give a shit about anyway."

"_Excuse_ me," Squall interjected, "but that is not what's scheduled on the-"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde stopped and looked thoughtful for a moment before blinking a smart-ass grin at Squall. "Hmm, well-...nope, I don't really care."

The students all laughed quietly amongst themselves and Squall shot them all an icy glare. They shut up quickly.

"Now, now, don't be intimidated by my good-looks," Seifer continued lightly, "Ask anything you might be wondering. There isn't much here that I won't know. Go ahead..." he raised an eyebrow, "try me."

A sandy-haired young man raised his hand.

"Go ahead." Seifer said.

"Okay," the boy started with an evasive little smile, "where is the weirdest place that you've ever had sex, and was it any good?"

Squall's eyes nearly bugged out of his head and Seifer laughed aloud, slapping his knee as he leaned forward, green eyes sparkling in amusement.

"That is hardly an appropriate question!" Squall hissed at the young man, and Seifer held his arm out in front of the vexed brunette to silence him.

"No, no, it's a very valid question," the blonde said calmly. He tapped his bottom lip thoughtfully. "The weirdest place? I'd say it's a tie between the Timber communications tower and behind the hot-dog stand in Garden's cafeteria. Can't really say it was any better than other times...but then again, I'm me; my sex is always damned good."

The sandy-haired boy snorted and started laughing, along with a few of his friends. Seifer fully understood that the kids were using him as a way of entertainment, and he didn't mind at all. Some of the girls were taken aback, but most of them found him to be mysterious, attractive, and alluring.

The thought of Seifer being alluring would have made Squall choke and laugh, had he not been busy attempting to glare holes through the blonde's back.

When the laughter had quieted to chuckling, a short dark-haired boy raised his hand and Seifer nodded at him.

"How could _I_ get a girl to do it behind the hot-dog stand?" he said, breaking out into laughter again. Seifer apparently saw this as another valid question, and he narrowed his green eyes in thought.

"Well, first thing I'll say is that homo-sex is A-ok," he said, and he laughed shortly at the wide-eyed stares he received.

"Gee, tough crowd," he said. "Come close, children, and listen to old Grandma Seifer here for just a moment."

He leaned forward and drew his scrutinizing stare across the room. "To the guys, I know you're probably to a point where you're getting the wood ever 5 seconds, and, damn...you're all holed up in those dorms. Yeah, porn and masturbation are all great, but...what's even better and the healthier thing is relieving the tension with your male friends when you need to." He grinned.

Most of the students were a little surprised by this, but some of the guys high-fived and whooped. Some girls giggled and nodded vigorously, entertaining images of their male classmates in that situation.

Gray eyes flashed angrily and Squall grabbed Squall by the collar with a firm fist.

"Mister Almasy!" He hissed venomously, "I will not-"

"HO! 'Mister Almasy,' he says!" Seifer laughed aloud, as the students all watched on in amusement, "And that's the name he'll scream under the covers, I bet! Keep your noses clean, kids!"

The kids roared in laughter and Squall relinquished the blonde's collar, cheeks aflame and eyes sending a furious glare at the older man.

"Oh!" The blonde continued, "Ladies, you too. Always follow what your hormones tell you to do," he said, holding his arms out in front of him and letting out a loud, crazed laugh. "Besides, there's nothing your boyfriend wants more than for you to make out topless with your best friend." He grinned maliciously. "Much better than a watch or a sweater."

Girls blushed and gave each other nervous glances and some of the more excited guys whooped again, turning back suggestive smirks. Seifer folded his arms triumphantly and watched with a grin.

"In regard to getting someone to do it behind the hot-dog stand," the blonde said at length, and the delighted students leaned in, listening intently, "all you need is a little time after-hours, to feel a little adventurous, and maybe a certain horny little blonde with a hot-dog fetish..." his green eyes darkened somewhat and the students laughed, not really getting the last phrase's reference (being first-years.)

Squall, however, did get the reference, and resisted the bile that was rising in his throat and shot Seifer a disbelieving look.

"That is _not_ the type of information you should be disclosing-"

"What?" The blonde interrupted him again, defensive, "Why not? This is sex education, after all." He then sent Squall a suggestive look that wasn't missed by the class. They all soaked up this interesting heat like water to dry sponges. "We really should work on getting that stick out of your ass and replacing it with something _else_."

A kind of dumb, tow-headed girl let out a loud squeal at this.

"Instructor! I just remembered to ask! Do you know much about toys?"

She, along with the rest of the girls, blushed furiously. Some of the guys gave her weird looks, and most of them gave her looks of another nature. Squall's jaw had nearly come unhinged.

"Wh-What kind of-"

"You betcha I do!" Seifer cried out joyously and jumped off the desk, going to open the box he'd brought in, and pulled out some papers from the top. "I'm the kinkiest bastard you'll ever meet..." he looked up for a second with a smirk. "Just ask Squall!"

"Almasy!" he hissed, turning red. "Stop giving them sick ideas-"

"Aww!" One girl cried out in dismay. "Commander, what about your girlfriend? Does she know?"

The classroom had gotten loud, but Seifer didn't mind. His head fell back a little and he laughed for a long time at that comment. Squall was furiously red and was at a loss. He snapped his glare at the girl and narrowed his eyes to slits.

"I hope you aren't taking him _seriously_," he said through clenched teeth, and she just gave him an innocent look.

"Aw, it's alright, Rinoa doesn't mind." Seifer stood up and made a babying face, pinching the brunette's cheek as if he were a young child, and Squall slapped his hand away with a defensive glare.

"She would if she heard what you've been-"

"Instructor?" the girl from earlier interrupted. "What about my question?"

He blinked grass-green eyes and pursed his lips quickly. "Yow! Sorry, all the excitement side-tracked me for a little while there."

He leaned down at the stack of papers and sifted through them for a moment before pulling out some clear pages and turning on the over-head projector, smirking as he turned the light on and Squall's already wide gray eyes bugged out even more.

The students scrutinized the projection for every last detail they could find. Every kind of vibrator in any of the kid's imagination, and many that were not, were shown in a very organized map-out. Seifer laughed in the silence.

"There's different colors and feels," he explained without a second thought, and Squall blushed furiously and reached out in an attempt to turn off the over-head projector. Seifer didn't let him. "I guess if you guys were ever shopping for one, I'd suggest that purple one..." he tapped his foot thoughtfully and pointed to one. The students watched, perhaps a little _too_ interested. "If not, then always go for the glow-in-the-dark..." he grinned devilishly. "Those are so incredibly fun."

Some of the girls squeaked, and the guys nodded intensely as if he had said something amazingly intelligent. Squall shook his head in disbelief and rubbed his forehead, screwing his eyes shut.

"Hey, I think I've got one here somewhere," he said off-handedly, reaching into the box with a smirk and bringing to light a very strange object, indeed.

Everyone regarded the rather large, blue...thing...with the utmost interest, many wondering how he had come across such an item.

"Could pass it around," Seifer suggested, and many students nodded vigorously as much as others who shook their heads. He went over to the first young man with brown hair in a little ponytail, and offered it out with an evasive smile. "Just keep in mind...you probably _don't_ want to know where that thing has been..."

The boy's eyes widened and he took it. Seifer, content, went over to sit behind his desk while Squall's stare traveled between the blonde and whatever student happened to have the little (or rather, quite unnaturally large) abomination.

Not too much later, the door burst open with a loud slam, and everyone's gaze flew to the doorway. Seifer's well-shaped lips formed a grin.

"Why, if it isn't Headmaster Cid."

Sure enough, Headmaster Cid was standing in the doorway, face slightly flushed and pink as if he had been running. He glared around the room quickly before glaring even harder at Seifer.

"What in Hyne's name do you think you're doing, Almasy?" He barked accusingly.

Squall sighed loudly and threw his arms up.

"You have no idea how glad I am you're here, Headmaster. You won't **believe** what he was saying earli-"

"I KNEW IT!" The headmaster completely ignored Squall and tromped over to the dark-haired girl that had the bright blue vibrator in her hand, and snatched it from her, turning to glare at Seifer again. "Almasy, what did I tell you about snooping around and stealing things from my office?"

He huffed and tromped back over to the door. Just as he was about to leave, he turned around and gave the class an awkward look, adjusting his collar and clearing his throat.

"You may continue with your studies now," he said quietly.

With that, he left. A humongous, awkward silence filled the room, and after a moment, Seifer cleared his throat and tried to break the ice.

"Well, I _did_ say you probably didn't want to know where that has been..." he shrugged.

Squall's arm twitched and he was scowling furiously. Seifer noticed this and blinked at him.

"Something wrong?"

"I am DONE with this," he growled, veering at Seifer. "This is the most distasteful class I've ever supervised. I'm going to file a complaint right now." He didn't look back and forced the door open so quickly that it hit him in the face, but he just shook it off and stepped out, slamming the door behind him.

"Oh well," the tall, blonde man laughed carelessly and leaned back, "he'll come around eventually."

Life was staring to come back into the students, and one dark-haired girl squeaked at him.

"_Where_ will he come, Instructor?" the innocent-looking young girl asked, and it even took Seifer's perverse mind a moment to see the innuendo.

His mouth stretched in an impossibly wide, crazed grin and his green eyes sparked mischievously as he stared at the girl.

"In my hand," he suggested, "on my desk, maybe even behind the hot dog stand..." Seifer and the girl shared a crazy look. "...we'll just have to wait and see..." He glanced up for a moment and then looked back down at the girl as he leaned forward in his desk. "Want me to videotape and bring it in? We can have a movie night..."

The class suddenly shook with excited squeals and laughter. He laughed, too, and stood out of his chair to allow class to continue as best he could, grin staying in place.

Finally, Seifer Almasy had found a job just perfect for him.

**-o-0-o-**

**The moral of the story:** One should always make sure to have all of one's plot bunnies immunized for rabies and check them for a running pulse every week.

**The second moral of the story:** Unless one should find her/himself to be amused by horrible, terrible, crude humor, one should never, ever read a rated "M" fic that is written by squalmasy. Ever.

**The third moral of the story:** Review anyway, goddammit! O.O


End file.
